What do you think of when you hear the term "self-acceptance"? I used to associate this with body positivity, loving your physical form in all its stages. Lately, I've been exploring self-acceptance as it relates to my brain, my wiring, my thought processes, and my interests. Accepting my endless curiosity and ongoing search for wisdom and meaning. My yearning to make sense of The Game Of Life. I'm working on fully accepting my inner Philosopher.
Vulnerability, realness, and curiosity are deeply ingrained in who I am, how I want to show up, and what I want in return. In working through that I've realized how much I question whether this me is welcomed in all the rooms and circles I'm invited into.
When someone is on their third Vodka Soda is it really the time for more probing questions from the Philosopher over here? I've been told (endearingly) that I come across awkward in large social settings. And yes, I'd say that in rooms with 6 or more people I struggle to find my footing. In these environments, my social anxiety tends to kick in because I'm in my head more than I'm in my body. I'm processing endless thoughts and questions about me, about you, about how we got here, and what it means that we’re here. How you’re interpreting this moment. MADD SHIT. This usually ends with an inner voice nudge that says, "Please don't ask that right now V…no one cares."
And so…naturally, I took this a level deeper. I've been questioning where I first learned this idea of editing or pulling back my voice (and consequently my "self") based on my environment. When did you first feel that your "self" is more welcomed around certain people? How does this relate to "self-acceptance?"
My mother modeled this shape-shifting for me. She is a jokester in one room. Happily married depending on who's asking. Lively and colorful around family and friends. A doting mother and caretaker in front of an audience. In the privacy of her home, she completely retreats. She is often cold, annoyed, and less joyful. As a child, I was part of that rollercoaster of personalities. A front-row spectator to that chameleon.
I think this is where my need for connection, realness, and vulnerability stems from. I want people to feel safe, whole, and real in my presence because I want that for myself. So I aim to get past the small talk as quickly as possible so I can really see you and where you are right now. I happen to love breaking things down, finding emotional connections, exploring feelings and the "why" behind them. I happen to love this even on my third Vodka Soda.
That's just who I am.
I'm slowly chipping away at the paint and shushing the inner voice that says, "Please, for the love of God keep it light. This is not the room for all that."
Accepting my inner Philosopher and her endless curiosity is part of my evolution. What's yours?
Good Reads
To Marry One’s Soul is an excerpt from The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. “The same commitments we pronounce when embarking on a marriage can be understood internally as a devotion to the care of one's soul: to have and to hold … for better or for worse … in sickness and in health … to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”
I’m a life coach, you’re a life coach: the rise of an unregulated industry. Life coaches are making money, honey. Are they selling an unrealistic dream? “Coaching is distinct from therapy, in that it tends to focus on helping functional people improve their lives, rather than treating people with clinical issues – although those lines aren’t always clear.”